Grief is an inevitable part of life, and losing someone you love is a pain that never truly goes away. For me, this has been especially true when it comes to the loss of my best friend, Danie. As I celebrated her 34th birthday last week, I am reminded of the profound impact she had on my life and how her absence has left a void that can never be filled. It has been 15 long years since she passed away, and while time may have dulled the pain, her memory remains etched in my heart forever.
When Danie passed, it felt like the world had collapsed around me. The pain was raw and unbearable, and I found myself questioning how I could go on without her infectious laughter and boundless optimism, also her love for me, Danie always saw something in me that others didn’t, she made me feel like the most capable person in the world. Those initial years were a haze of tears, grief-stricken moments, and a feeling of being lost, and let’s not start on the guilt that came with it.
During those difficult times, I learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person's journey through grief is unique, and it's essential to give yourself the time and space to heal in your own way. For me, honouring Danie's memory became a way of coping, I would celebrate on her birthday and mourn on the day of her passing. I collected photographs, wrote letters to her, and shared stories about her with our mutual friends and family. It brought a sense of connection as if she was still a part of our lives.
On what would have been her 34th birthday week, I find myself reflecting on how much she accomplished during her too-short life. She was the kind of person who touched everyone she met with her compassion, quirkiness and kindness. Though it still brings a pang of sadness that she couldn't see all the milestones that have passed since she left, I take solace in the beautiful memories we shared together and the honour I now have to support others with their mental health.
Time Heals, but Memories Remain
They say that time heals all wounds, and in some ways, that rings true. Over the years, the intense pain has softened, and I have learned to carry the grief more gracefully with Havening and my other tools, I no longer mourn her passing but celebrate that she is now a part of all my work.
Just because the pain isn't as sharp doesn't mean I have forgotten her, far from it.
Danie's memory lives on in the small things - the blackbird squark in the early hours of the morning, the road trips that remind me of our adventures, and the beep of a hair straighter, there are small moments that bring me joy.
Grief doesn't come with an expiration date, and I know that I will always carry a piece of it with me. As time goes on, I've come to understand that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, even as the years pass. If I could tell my 19-year-old self who just lost her best friend to suicide it would be that some days are harder than others, but that's part of the grief journey.
Caring for your grief is a deeply personal process, especially when it comes to losing a beloved friend or family member. Remember that healing is not about forgetting the person you lost but finding ways to honour their memory and keep them alive in your heart. For me, my best friend Danie will never be forgotten. Her legacy lives on through the love she shared, the memories we created, and the impact she had on everyone who knew her and those who have gotten to know her through me.